Feeling Out Of Sync

I’ve unfortunately, been having migraines again. These seem to come on quicker and the intensity has made it difficult to focus. My physician tells me it’s related to stress and lack of sleep. I recognize this since I’m happier when I am completely alone. No interactions or distractions seem to keep my squirrel chatter down in my head. I think the poor dears are running that little wheel off its hinges. But at least I have identified my issues and am diligently working on them.

Now that the weather is getting colder I feel more comfortable. During this time we spend more time in the mountains. Nature and fresh air seem to give me that much needed connection to our blessed earth. The fall leaves are among my most inspiring sights. Colors of golds, yellow, orange and shades of red and burgundy. The beauty reminds me of why I love this season so. I’m certain others feel as I do with these changes in nature. In fact, just yesterday we saw a group of deer on our nature walk. I did not manage any photos of them. But tomorrow is another day and I am in desperate need of natures counsel. My goal will be to capture the shades of fall before they have finished their cycle.

Quiet Mind

I spent most of my time attempting to quiet the constant chaos in my mind. Listening to symphony music helps a great deal when I am not working on other projects. Perhaps, it is the melody or just the flowing rhythm of the strings. Maybe the deep and rich sound the cello produces as my hands move in sync with the music. Either way, I feel a calm run over me as a run my hands over the clay or when I glide a paintbrush against the canvas. Something inside my mind seems to settle and I feel at one with the nature of my craft.

My partner has often asked why I find it so difficult to close my eyes and sleep. The mind has its own schedule on necessities. Sleep comes when I have exhausted myself to a point of collapse. I have tried all the usual methods to shut down. Meditation, counting, reading and even pharmaceutical remedies. Nothing has really given me the relief necessary to fall under. I’m curious if anyone else feels as I do? Is there another out there struggling with the night angel that continues to elude me? For whatever reason, tonight feels as though it will again be a dreamed illusion of mental silence for me.

Logical Loyalty

I am a curious person by nature. When I am uncertain or intrigued by a problem or subject, I do a great deal of research. When I listen to people converse about political parties I am always interested in how they formed their conclusions. In no way am I attempting to modify ones thinking or argue, just fascinated by the logic. Yet I’ve discovered that many fail to ask questions about those they support. If you look at it from an emotional point of view then you will be asking the wrong questions. Put the heart aside and replace feelings with logic. No, it’s not easy. Considering we are human and love, anger, grief, pain and confusion are emotionally based responses. However, for just a moment look at it as though you have no emotional investment in it. See the situation as though you are on a jury of strangers. At a court hearing of someone you have no prior knowledge of.
As much as I dislike politics and try to remain impartial to them, it is not easy. I do not trust any political party. Most have been born into the system and after time succumb to greed or become jaded. Each one pushing the script of change and prosperity for the country. Words written down, suggestions to captivate your attention, words to inspire loyalty, give hope for a better life and promises. Politics is the long game for most. Good intentions become impossible solutions. Reasons change and loyalties shift. A body of men and woman who are in fact, as flawed as the system they are responsible to run. When they fall away from their purpose and become drunk on power is when failure begins. No good deeds go unpunished.
Watching the media is as painful as removing a deeply embedded sliver that has been festering to long. You see it, poke around, plan the best logical action and discover it isn’t even a splinter. Now the obsession begins of trying to identify what it is and isn’t. The whole time allowing the infection to spread from lack of clear information or knowledge to understand. Word jumbled? Thats what you are thinking as you read this? No sense or clarity. That is what media is created for. Entertainment and conflict. Get both in one story and it sets off a series of events that spread like wildfires through a droughted forest. The result is always the same and it will happen again. Why? Because we fail to see behind the words and refuse to accept a truth if it questions are feelings. Humans are unique and beautiful but also repetitive and violent. Choices are made out of gossip spread. Then we have no ability to undo what’s been done and acknowledging fault is to abandon our pride and lose face among those close to us. The psychological dilemma is nearly maddening.
Here’s my thoughts for a solution. Stop listening and begin to look with fresh eyes. Influence is easy to create when there is something to lose or gain in politics. Ask yourself the question, did this candidate win by merit or by hate of another? Personally, I care little of who you or anyone else selected to vote for. Politics in my eyes is like a long game where the outcome never is as we hope. Yet, for some this game is all they know. Ego over virtue and greed over honor. But just for one moment, look beyond and see what you are being asked to ignore. What does each really have to gain or have actually fulfilled in their lives? Research before responding. Understand before you reject. Life will not end but it will change. Some people wear their evil deep within, behind histories of false truths and fantasy.  Even when proven the ability to accept responsibility is impossible because the story they tell is now a reality to themselves. Some wear that evil on the outside for all to see. The choice of “do you accept or do you condemn the truths you see that were not hiden?” Then you must decide between the devil you know of or that which hides those sins behind smiles and stories?
We are human and yet we are flawed. Do not forget your own misdeeds when judging those of another. For, in the end there is only one death but two roads. That judgment is left to a higher power and it is indeed a final one.

Personal Thoughts

Often I wonder if anyone sees the world as I do? Past the dramatic politics and continuous violence of the world. The moments of life that shine and bring a personal growth to our souls. For it is in those moments that I find true clarity and strength.

The last year for myself, as many, has been less kind and more chaotic. To be truthful I am more of a glass half full lady. So as the world tilts off its axis, I am looking for that one thing that will correct its course. Find a silver lining in the messy fabric of life, so to speak. Just imagine how different would our lives be if everyone focused more on personal and inner growth and less on material growth?

For the month of October I have set a challenge for myself. Since I desperately need to find my inspiration once again, I will turn to nature. That is I will, if needed, force myself to go on a walkabout. Allow myself to breathe in what little fresh air is being provided or find my inner traveler. California is in a continuous state of insanity so I might venture away to Washington, Idaho or maybe Oregon. The purpose will be to embrace my fears, dig out my old camera and sketchbook. Then venture out as far as my health will allow. This i truly believe will give me that spark that has dimmed so low since the world collapsed.

Fingers crossed on my courage to be bolder than my thoughts. 🤞

Thankful Thinking

Often I find myself feeling a tiny bit melancholy around this time of year. Yet I also feel somewhat nostalgic as well. Summer is at its end and yet fall has not quite made her appearance. The changing of leaves from green to brilliant shades of yellow, orange and red. The air becomes crisp and the sun still shines, yet with less enthusiasm.

It has been a an odd year. Sometimes it feels as though the stress, anger and violence has been such a focal point. Very little positivity or joy has been shared. Finding less to be grateful for and much more to feel pent up about. I often wonder how long this scattered reality will last. I miss the freedom of going out to shop or merely have a meal. Now it’s like standing in line at a cafeteria. Hoping the food will be worth the discomfort. Fortunately, I find less reasons to travel since I have an abundance of writing to work on. Until the time that the world stops spinning off its axis, I will be patient. Work will keep me grounded and fall will inspire my love for change.

Be thankful for that which we all have still. Things could be worse and for that…again I’m thankful.

Never Give Your Past Power

We have all experienced physical pain. Whether it is a bruised knee, bumped head or something more extensive like a broken bone. The truth is, we all have suffered some form or another that stays in our mental vault. However extreme those pains may have been, there’s others more haunting. Yes, I am speaking of the pain of the mind. That kind of physical pain that comes about whenever a triggered memory occurs. It is this type of pain that lives in the deepest recesses of our minds. Ones we desperately attempt to avoid and yet always shock us when reminded. 

For myself, mental pain is a constant companion. Always there and an unwanted guest in my mind. It is a struggle and yet I push myself to overcome it daily. In truth, I am not as strong as some credit me to be. It is a cloak of illusion I wear to avoid pity or concern from those close to me. It does not mean I am weak or frail. No, in fact, it means I am strong and resilient. Pain is a reminder that we are alive and although it hurts, we survived. 

Our past may have been the forge of our creation. But our present is the product of the process. Some turn to a darker side of themselves as a result. Those people never learned to recognize the trauma as a lesson. To use a trauma as an excuse to inflict harm upon others is not a restitution of your own experience. It is a perpetuation of a cycle that should have never been forced upon you to begin with. It is not justice, it is malice. Knowing what suffering felt like and then inflicting it onto others is a repeat of evil. There is no healing when you force others to live in your darkness.

For others, using that pain helps to empathize. Learning to temper our own suffering by helping others to heal from their own. Recognizing that you endured, did not shatter and that is a grace that should be shared. No one, no one should suffer a tragedy that could have been prevented. Using anger is a lazy person’s revenge for not having been strong enough to protect themselves. Using kindness and compassion is how we ensure that future generations will not be subjected to the cruelty we were. Where the fork in our path splits from revenge to mercy. Revenge being what was visited upon us and mercy of which should have been. 

Every person must make a choice in life. To be a better human or to relive as the monster that inflicted our suffering.  I choose to be the better. For me, revenge would inflict more pain onto myself. Since it would require me to go back and dig up the corpse of a broken soul. Only to force that soul to relive that death over and over once again. We should not place others in such a vulnerable situation as we, ourselves were forced into. 

I have not many answers to these questions. Only the one living past the harm can create those answers. Perhaps, it is due to the personal complexity of the trauma? Maybe it is as simple as the fortitude required to push on. For whatever reason, you must decide on the path to walk. Choose a kinder way to heal and the reward will be seeing the respect of others. You are a precious part of life and should be gentle to your pain. Show yourself the love and understanding that was not given to you. Be the reason others see the light out of that horrific darkness. Consider yourself a teacher of solutions and not a victim of barbarism. You have a power that is still raw and untapped. It is the energy of a survivor that lifts others. That spark of beauty and brass that has pushed you could save another. Tell your story with pride and not shame. Replace that hate with generosity and acceptance. Do the impossible and find a blessing in the curse. Because although your past left scars it did not leave weakness. Each raised hardened mark on your body is a story of triumph. Like a map of a journey not yet ended. You are powerful in spirit and graceful in heart. Knowing that you looked right into the eye of so many storms and never allowing yourself to be torn away. No one owes you anything. However, you owe yourself a chance to thrive and to be given peace. That is something only you can receive from yourself. No one else can give you that. 

I hope these posts help anyone who needs support. My goal is that my journey can help even one survivor. That would make it worth the decades of pain I endured. 

Until next time, praise, love and peace to you. 

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

To begin a journey alone is to neglect yourself of experience. Find a companion that will embrace your unique thoughts. One that will enhance your mood, spark your spirit and encourage you to be greater than you would ever have allowed yourself to be. Then throw caution to the wind and dare to be extraordinary! Let’s go make memories.

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My 3 Stages Of Healing

My therapist has been guiding me through a journey of self-reflection, so as I might be able to accept and let go of my past. It was, nor still is easy for me to move freely through my memories without feeling some sort of anger or guilt. Anger for having been subjected to all I had. Guilt for letting myself take responsibility for actions that I had no part or control of. Despite knowing that these events which have forever changed my mindset and reality, I am not at fault for them. For any survivor to heal from trauma we must first go three stages. Now many professionals have different ideas of these stages. Considering how the understanding of trauma changes and by the perspective of the healthcare professional treating you.
My therapist’s treatment is not based on the usual lines of psychiatry. In fact, he has a more modern and holistic approach to it. I am not talking about herbs, meditation or chakra altering. This process he uses is more based on the spiritual side. The journey to heal the mind, body and soul. As I list the stages it will give you a deeper understanding of what it is, he has been helping me accomplish.
Stage 1. Acknowledgment
This is meant to help the survivor accept or admit the existence of what occurred. To be able to recognize the trauma as well as carefully guiding our mind through each event in a safe and healthy manner. This is crucial to begin healing from our past as well as to help head us in the direction to understanding the what and why of those events.
Stage 2. Understanding
It is easy to tell ourselves that what happened is not our fault. However, believing it, not so much. To truly appreciate the power of the events we must be aware of who or what created them. Fear from an abusive act can trigger a negative response that others will do the same. Logically we know that not everyone will hurt us, but that fear can program us to react as if they will. Much like if you were bit by a dog and fear it occurring again. Being aware that this was an isolated event and that not all dogs mean us harm, so we will not react the same. We are learning to comprehend the emotional element of our trauma.
Stage 3. Acceptance and Healing
When we accept what happened was not our fault, we give ourselves permission to find closure for it. This grants us the ability to find peace with our pain. It does not mean we forget, just that it happened and is now in our past. Once we accept this, we can adopt healthier coping skills. This helps us to avoid being triggered by those memories in the future.
Healing from trauma is never easy but necessary to keep ourselves in a present mindset. Once we allow that healing it will open our mind and heart to the possibility of connecting with others on a more spiritual level. Think of it as a wound that if you do not stop picking open it will become infected and therefore will not heal. If we allow our mind to mend it will alleviate the stress that remembering the events create. This prevents us from reliving them rather than merely recalling the events. In turn, our spirit may find the harmony and tranquility that only comes from closure. By removing the shackles of our trauma, we free ourselves of the burdens that have prevented us from living our lives to the fullest. It will give us the ability to accept our insecurities and to gain confidence in our many potentials.
My journey to healing myself is as unique to me as yours is to you. Healing is personal and a journey we must all make to find peace. But in order to do this we must be willing to do the work required. No matter how painful or humiliating it is, we must take a leap of faith. Others may be required to aid us on this journey. But taking that first step is crucial to beginning our spiritual travel. Setbacks will occur and you will falter in your progress at times. However, if you go in with the conviction of a survivor and not the doubt of a victim, you will find peace in the end.
As I share my journey with any of you reading this, I pray it gives you hope. Perhaps, it might even give you the same conviction and strength to embark on your mission of healing.
Until then be well and know you are stronger than your damage.

Being Sane In An Insane World

I often have pondered the idea that sanity is nothing more than being truly self aware. That normality is really just a constant effort to be less of an individual and more like all the other mindless sheep wandering about like confused drones. Because if we are to be unique or authentic, we might not fit into the ideology set forth by society. Confusing? Yes?
I have never been a herd type personality. More so I am a woman who sees beyond the fabric of life. To me the possibility of greatness is not set by birth or station. It is created somewhere much spiritual. To me we have already lived several lives, reincarnated and then put through the gauntlet of life over and over. Is it a punishment that we must rectify due to some comic tragedy that we are yet to correct? Or is it the universes way of allowing ourselves another chance to create and live a much different life?Several years ago I found myself in a destructive relationship. Honestly, it nearly put in an early grave. It was in itself a hard lesson in betrayal. That moment when I was laying on the floor, gasping to breathe and listening to my own heartbeat slow. It was at that moment that I felt myself begin to lift from my physical body. Looking down at myself and watching the life drain from eyes as my heart stopped. Crazy…right? I thought perhaps I was dreaming and at any moment I would spring up gasping for air. But I wasn’t dreaming. No I was in fact dying. Time is a fickled thing when you find yourself with no more of it. You creatively form excuses as to the how and why of things. Never really understanding that the universe is just a cruel bully who likes to stick gum in your hair. It’s not big on rhyme or reason but is a sadistically manipulative force that at time gives the promise of normality. If there is even such a thing as normal. Waking up in the hospital with tubes and monitors hanging from my body as if the Borg had assimilated me. No memory of what had transpired to have placed me there. Just a confused mind and a pain in my head and chest that felt as though I had been hit by a car. With a dry mouth and a very sore throat I tried to assess my situation. When did I get here and how was my most urgent thought. Having no memory about the events that had led to it, I needed answers. “How are we feeling Ms. Kingston?” The soft spoken man was thumbing through a chart while meticulously checking machines. My throat hurt but the pressure in my chest made even breathing a struggle. I motioned to my throat and then my chest. Hoping he could give me some idea as to why I was in such pain. Bringing a cup over to me and placing a straw into my mouth, he said to sip. The water felt like fire running down my throat and I winced. Choking a bit and my eyes began to water. As I started to raise up I felt a shot of pain in my lower abdomen. The man put a light hand on my shoulder and gently asked me to remain calm. “You can’t get up yet. There’s a catheter in your bladder so they not to pull. It can cause damage if you accidentally pull it. I’m sure you are wondering where you are and what happened?”I nodded my head and pointed at my throat and then chest. “Oh, yes. Your throat is likely sore from the tube used to help you breathe. The pain in your chest is likely from the compressions to get your heart started. Both will begin to feel better in time. But for now I’d like you to limit your movements and speaking for a bit.”He went through a series of checks starting with a light in my eyes. Then asked me to perform a few functions like gripping his fingers. “Well the good news is you are alive,” he said with a smirk. I frowned and took my finger and whirled it in a circle as to indicate as to why I was here.”You had an accident.”Again I frowned. That vague answer was not getting me caught up as to the why I was there. “We are holding you here for observation until we feel it’s safe to let you leave.”I won’t bother to go any deeper into describing my stay. Mostly because it was not my finest moment and I honestly don’t remember much from it. With that said, I had a definite call from the cosmos. Knowing how close to my next life I was brought some much needed attention to my life choices. We never appreciate our life until it is threatened to end. That moment when we see our life flash before us and think how much of it was a waste. That incident has forever changed my view on life. It also noodles around in my brain like an unwelcome visitor who can’t seem to take the hint to leave. My point is that it took me coming face to face with the reaper to realize how incredibly stupid I am for letting people bulldoze through my life. Just like a herd of angry bison that realized I was only a small obstacle barring their way to greener pastures, those who hurt me stomped a path in me. My trust, honor, safety and pride all taken away in one utterly humiliating manner. For what? Because I wasn’t enough? My feelings and safety did not matter? Or because I forgot to practice my number one rule of thumb. Never give people more of yourself than you wish the world to use against you.So that is where I’m starting in this blog. The events that created that awful experience and how I have moved forward from it. At times I may go off in direction so please excuse that. But unfortunately my mind has been in a constant state of flux. The reality of it all was like like waking up one day to find yourself in a twisted world where Alice is the Cheshercat and the Mad Hatter has taken over Oz. Yes it’s that mind blowing.